The Ugly Truth

Last night I found the brutal truth. I thought my heart can't break anymore than it has already broken, well, obviously there are still some small pieces that can be shattered.

I never asked much in this life as ever since I was small I already told myself not to hope too much and I wouldn't be disappointed. Then I met this wonderful guy who brought me so much hope that I thought it's ok to hope after all. For years I live in that hope he brought and delivered, accepted me as who I was when I met him. With him, I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can totally be myself with him, share my dreams, hope. For a while, I was blessed with that total awesomeness of being loved and accepted as I yearned all my adult life.

But today, he gave me the biggest present of all : the ugly truth. Ho boy, that sucks, and really hurt. I can handle the truth, or so I thought. It was like a big slap to my face and I'd rather have the actual slapping than those words.

I am not without faults, hey, I'm the first person to admit that to myself. But so does everyone. I tried to correct some if not all the mistakes I'd done and to change to be a better person for him. Now I found out it's been unworthy of being acknowledged at all. Years of shared moments : lost. Years of hopes and dreams : lost. The fate of my future : uncertain. All those promises : forgotten.

I will fight to the end, I don't want, won't, can't give up this battle so easily. Not after spending almost half my life having it and to be taken away just like that.

But remember this my love. You are my one and only love. It has been only you from the start. The one person that has taken my heart fully so it's natural that only you can break it like now.

I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. So lost and alone. I don't if I'm strong enough. I am so, so tired. But if say I lost this battle, at least I know I'd tried, I'd fought.

I love you, my darling, my baby, with all my heart and soul. I am hurt, shattered, broken but I believe with all my heart that it can be fixed. You, baby love, can fix it and make it right. I just hope you have it in your heart, even teeny little spark in your heart, to fix this with me.

I love you, I need you. We love you and need you, baby. Please come back to us.

"Please Don't Leave Me"

Da da da I could cut you into piecesda
da da da da

Da da da da da,

I don't know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you out of here?
Or said something insulting?

Da da da da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is, broken.

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this,
I've never been this nasty,
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest,
But baby I don't mean it,
I mean it, I promise

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
(Don't leave me)
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without,
You're my perfect little punching bag,
And I need you,
I'm sorry.

Da da da da
da da da da

Da da da da da

Please, please don't leave me
Baby, please don't leave me (no, don't leave me)
Please don't leave me
(I always say) I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me, (Yeah)
Please don't leave me
(I) I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this,
(Please, Please) Please don't leave me,
Baby, please, please don't leave me.

Nothing Much... just stuff i've been listening to...

"I Don't Believe You"

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus:]
No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?

[Chorus]

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus]

I don't believe you

THE BETRAYAL

Today is the day when I found out that all the things I believe, are all lies. The worst part is, I have nobody to turn to.

The person whom I thought to be my best friend, my soulmate, has put a dagger so deep through my heart that I can hardly breathe. 

When the person you trusted the most, the person you gave up everything for betrays you like this, what's the point? All those hardship, all those laughter and tears... means nothing. 

All this while all I see is rainbow after the storm, but who knows there's a tornado waiting in the corner. I can't say for sure but I don't think the rainbow I'm hoping for will appear anytime soon. Once the trust is lost, it changes the game. It changes everything I ever believe and hope.

I never ask for much in this life... only honesty to the vows made. Hard as it was and is, I held my end of it but obviously it's not enough if the other party thinks of it as a joke.

I always have high hope and opinion and trust that I don't need to worry about having this tornado in my life, well, God has other plans for me. I still have my heart shattered.

Just last week I got back the feeling I almost forgot. The feel of hope, excitement and love. Tonight, they've been stamped over by the very feet that I gave up everything for.

This past week, I lost a hell of a lot. Now I am truly alone, apart from the offsprings that doesn't understand this heartache that I'm feeling. I pray to God that I am strong enough to face this test alone and protect the only ones left who truly loves me. 

I feel nothing now. Just emptiness and hollow. Tears don't bring me comfort, sleep has eluded me... well, I guess I just have to face the fact that I am truly alone now............

Just.... DON"T...

Been trying to write something inspirational and after few attempts and fail miserably, this is what remained undeleted.

Some people recently ticked me off. Saying things as if they're the angels for taking an "interest" in the elderlies. If you want to visit and care for your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa... go ahead... just... DON'T post shoutouts like your cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters are an ungrateful lot. If they want to go, they will... or if you really want to do something about it, say it nicely and you don't make a fool of yourself. Buat benda tu biarlah ikhlas, korang dah jalankan tanggungjawap, kudos to you guys but just... DON'T condemn other people... it's annoying...

I don't really feel attacked at all coz to me, I don't take the posts to heart... it's childish in a way to try and get attention that way... I have my family to focus on, I'm not bothered what you guys think of me. If you think that I'm ungrateful, arrogant or whatever, please yourself... I don't care. If I want to go, I will...and someday I know I will but you won't see me posting about it for the world to know...

Ahh whatever la... you go ahead with your life and do whatever it is that makes you happy... your life, my life, 2 different things... korang tak mengadap apa yg aku hadap and vice versa... just stop being irritating is what I'm asking...

Sally - out - for now

Life As It Is

Read a very interesting note on facebook by a relative of mine. In it she wrote about how she wishes she has times for herself to do things she wants to do. Weekends are spent between families - her own, husbands and just the two of them. I really can relate to that and to her what I can say is : wait till you have kids.


I've been married for over 11 years now, with a son and daughter and my time is fully occupied and spent each waking hours fulfilling their needs. From the moment I wake up till bedtime, I have to : drive them to school, classes, cook their meals, laundry, homework and when I feel like it, clean the house. On top of that, I help my husband with the paperworks of our company from the simple cut and paste quotation/invoice to proposals and calling the bank. The only time I feel any peace is during that few minutes before I fell asleep. Heck, I don't even have a peaceful time in the shower. Someone will now and then knock on the door asking for something.


People keep saying that I have so much free time because they see me playing all these games on facebook. Truthfully, that is considered to be my luxury, where I can stop thinking for awhile. Some people go for pampering like to the salon to get their hair and nails done, massages and facials at the spa... well I don't have that kind of luxury, not that I can't afford it in monetary terms, but I can't afford it in the manner of time. If I go to pamper myself, who will take care of my kids? I'm not like some people who can just dump their kids to other people to look after while they go and have their own time. There's no point for me to do that for I can't truly relax that way knowing that I'm burdening someone else with my responsibility.


I am lucky in a sense that my husband understands me needing the time off sometimes and I can go out with my girlfriends once in a while, or go back to my hometown without him to spend times with my family. And let me play games whenever I have the time. And I do go out with my kids and have our own fun. 


Well, to some people my life sounds boring as hell but to me, tiring and boring as it sounds, it's what I choose to do with my life. And I'm not going to trade it for anything. My husband and kids ARE my life.

Finally!!! Sally has her blog going!! LOL!!

I've been meaning to start my own blog but never got around to it. Tonight, however, with the kids sleeping earlier than usual and nothing good on TV, I thought, what the hell, lets get one of these things going. :)

I love to talk. I love to write even more. And what's better than having a blog to write my thoughts and the hell with who would think what about me talking about myself. LOL. 

I used to have a diary, a journal, a long, long, long time ago when there were no computers and internet was only possible on TV. I poured my heart out in those pages, sometimes the writings were clean and tidy, and sometimes I couldn't read any of them for the smudges and tear-stained, and sometimes coffee-stained on the pages. 

I found my diary that I had when I was in high school and I almost cried when I read them for the memories that I had long forgotten. How naive I was back then, when all I cared about was getting better grades and guys to date and hating my parents. But finding that diary also helped me remember things that I know would help me now prepare of things to come when my kids reach that certain age where they will think that parents are enemy #1. I am glad that my relationships with my family has turn for the better now that I have kids of my own.

Oh well, enough for this chapter. I will continue with another topic some other time. :)