How long does these crisis last? I don't think anyone can answer that. I know I can't. I'm just praying for it to be over soon. The pain is killing me. No matter what's the ending, whichever way may the plot turns out, I just want it to be over. The storyboard has been drafted. The only thing missing is the ending.
Only then can I focus on the journey ahead. I'm at the crossroads. I'm not sure which way to turn. Going right and having to face the journey with ongoing pain and taking forever to recover, but not alone, OR left, with still some pain but manageable and will heal in time, alone, and focusing on the winding road ahead with my head held high.
At this moment I'm more tempted to turn left. Sure the road is bumpy and potholes all over the place but at the end of it, I'm sure there's a beautiful view waiting for me. I'm optimistic. Well, spending hours looking at the waves and sitting under the tree with breeze and saltwater on my face is quite inspirational. It's relaxing and put things into more uncomplicated perspectives.
The answer is in my face all along. I was just too afraid to acknowledge it. I was too afraid to look at my face in the mirror. Afraid to see what's inside. But today, I looked at myself straight in the eyes and see sadness so deep that it snapped me. I can't go on like this. If I take the right turn, the eyes will still be the same and down the road they will lost all sparks altogether. I asked myself do I want to let my kids see those eyes everyday?
I asked myself lots of questions and I pray to God for answers. I'm being given 2 plots for the ending of this chapter of my life. It's up to me now how to end the story.
It's tough, I'm not pretending that it won't. No matter which way I turn, the road is going to be a hell of a ride. It's a choice between 2 bad choices. I wish I don't have to make these choices in the first place. My storyline was perfect, but only fairytales have the perfect ending. Not life. It sucks, but someone has to do it.
I just hope, no matter which way I choose to go, my kids will understand and forgive me. The perfect world as they know it is about to come to an end. I hate to see them become the victims of the situation. They shouldn't pay for the sins of their parents. But life must go on. Whatever doesn't break you will make you stronger. At least, that's what I hope for.
Anyway, I'm peaceful with my decision. I'll take it day by day. Someday I will heal. And so will my kids.
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