What I do is only making it worse for me. More pain. More suffering. I wish I can wake up one morning and all this pain would just disappear. But I still wake up every morning feeling empty. Feeling hollow inside.
The more I'm left alone with my misery, the emptier I become. The muddier my thoughts. The weaker my feelings. Whatever feelings I still have inside needs saving. I need someone to put the spark back in so the flame can be ignited. I tried, oh how I tried, to bring back that spark, but I can't do it alone. It doesn't work that way. I'm like a semi-empty can of gasoline. Someone has to be the spark. And that someone is not willing to come near and light the match. Not now. I'm afraid if the match is not lighted soon, there's nothing left inside the can.
But empty as I am, I am not without hope. Deep inside I'm still holding on to that tiny hope that the spark would come. But I also know, I can't hold on forever. Hope can be dashed, promises can be broken, flame can burn out to ash and blown away by the wind.
Slowly I'm falling out. Slowly I'm picking pieces of my heart, mending it pieces by pieces. Slowly I put one feet at a time to move forward, with glances backwards to remind me not to repeat the same mistakes again. Trust and love is hard to come by, once shattered, it will take a long time to recover.
I don't know if second chance is given, will it be worth it? If I put myself out there again, will I be facing the same thing again? I know doubts will be in the picture, suspicions too. I don't know if I can bear waking up alone again. The security I had was gone. Maybe one day I can feel again. Until that time comes, I'll just keep on picking and taking in one day at a time. Hard to do but I have no choice. All I can do now is hope and pray that I'll be ok.
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