New Year Eve.... Happy New Year !!!

Pre-New Year Eve... quite eventful... Nice soothing words, and followed by nasty things exchanged. Like I said, quite eventful.

I got to smile, laugh and feel. That was enough to get me through today. The kind, sweet nothing, no promises, the idea of nothing... sigh... who am I kidding... I'm hooked with nothingness... Trying to control it but it slipped somehow... I'm hooked to it like a junkie.

On the other hand, I have this promises of something, but like other promises, they're just promises. It didn't make me feel like nothing did. And I'm not making sense to even myself. I just want to drift on in nothingness and that's bad. Coz nothingness cant get me anywhere. Something can but I want nothing. But this feeling for nothing feels so good right now. I'm hanging on to it for awhile, until the time comes to let go.

Now, the Eve of 2011. I'm with new resolution, which is "AIM FOR NOTHING, STRIVE FOR SOMETHING". Same road, different path. Same song, different lyrics. Same beach, different shore. Same person, different attitude. Heck it fits well. It feels good.

This is the start of something new. I know it. I feel it. Like Dean, I went to hell and back. Like Sam, been in the hole and out. Doesn't matter who pulled out whom. The angel or the devil. Same outside, different inside. Its either make or break. Do or don't. Black or white. No more grey.

X'mas... New Year

X'mas has come and gone. The memories remained. Bittersweet. Smile and frown at the same time. 

I'm glad for the chances given. I'm happy for the lessons learned. I'm looking forward for the fresh start. I'm wishing for the complications to go away. The one given and the one taken.

New year is around the corner, will it be as eventful as X'mas? I hope not, but at the same time, I hope it will. Wishful thinking on my part. 

The beauty of it is : no matter what happens, I did what I wanted to do. For me. Twice with the ocean and the path became clear. I only have myself to answer for. The others are just either the icing or the poison.

Maybe I need to return to the ocean one more time. Maybe I will. 

Almost Lover

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do 

HooooBoy :)

I'm smiling and smiling and smiling. Nothing can take this smile away. 


You came back. From whatever hell you have to be with. You came back to Heaven.


I need to sit back and watch this. The view is spectacular.


When the time comes. You'll know. Needs and wants are two different things. And am so glad that you can tell the difference. 


The joy oh the joy. 


Karma is the best friend right now. Revenge is sweet. 

When The Heart Is Broken

The damage is done. I'm out of ways to fix things. I return to basic, I go back to yesteryears, I even resort to meds, but nothing is working. Nothing is simple when it comes to mending a broken heart.

What I do is only making it worse for me. More pain. More suffering. I wish I can wake up one morning and all this pain would just disappear. But I still wake up every morning feeling empty. Feeling hollow inside.

The more I'm left alone with my misery, the emptier I become. The muddier my thoughts. The weaker my  feelings. Whatever feelings I still have inside needs saving. I need someone to put the spark back in so the flame can be ignited. I tried, oh how I tried, to bring back that spark, but I can't do it alone. It doesn't work that way. I'm like a semi-empty can of gasoline. Someone has to be the spark. And that someone is not willing to come near and light the match. Not now. I'm afraid if the match is not lighted soon, there's nothing left inside the can.

But empty as I am, I am not without hope. Deep inside I'm still holding on to that tiny hope that the spark would come. But I also know, I can't hold on forever. Hope can be dashed, promises can be broken, flame can burn out to ash and blown away by the wind.

Slowly I'm falling out. Slowly I'm picking pieces of my heart, mending it pieces by pieces. Slowly I put one feet at a time to move forward, with glances backwards to remind me not to repeat the same mistakes again. Trust and love is hard to come by, once shattered, it will take a long time to recover.

I don't know if second chance is given, will it be worth it? If I put myself out there again, will I be facing the same thing again? I know doubts will be in the picture, suspicions too. I don't know if I can bear waking up alone again. The security I had was gone. Maybe one day I can feel again. Until that time comes, I'll just keep on picking and taking in one day at a time. Hard to do but I have no choice. All I can do now is hope and pray that I'll be ok.

Already Gone

"Already Gone"

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right 
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone 

Can We Go Back

"Can We Go Back"

You're complicatin things
I need some room to breathe
I gotta get back to simplicity
If you want more than this
Then tell me what it is I gotta do
Oh, this is killin me
I need you to see
That somethins gotta change

Can we go back to the way we used to be
Back to the butterflies
Starin deep in your eyes
Can we go back to how we used to be
Cause livin and lovin was easy
We gotta find a way to fool reality
And go back to the way we used to be

When did we mess it up
What happened to love
We had it good
But it wasn't enough
We shouldn't let it fade all the way
Were over thinkin this way too much
I want you next to me
But somethins gotta change

Can we go back to the way we used to be
Back to the butterflies
Starin deep in your eyes
Can we go back to how we used to be
Cause livin and lovin was easy
We gotta find a way to fool reality
And go back to the way we used to be

Oh, can we go back

No it doesn't have to be this hard
And this isn't the way we are
Our love was effortless
Now it's tearin us apart
Oh, I'm getting tired of the fight
We can't pretend that it's alright
I'm slowly losing hope
Baby can we try

Can we go back to the way we used to be
Back to the butterflies
Starin deep in your eyes
Can we go back to how we used to be
Cause livin and lovin was easy
We gotta find a way to fool reality
And go back to the way we used to be 

The Long Winding Road

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I don't know how to categorized this phase I'm facing. Lets just put it as mid-life crisis for argument sakes.

How long does these crisis last? I don't think anyone can answer that. I know I can't. I'm just praying for it to be over soon. The pain is killing me. No matter what's the ending, whichever way may the plot turns out, I just want it to be over. The storyboard has been drafted. The only thing missing is the ending.

Only then can I focus on the journey ahead. I'm at the crossroads. I'm not sure which way to turn. Going right and having to face the journey with ongoing pain and taking forever to recover, but not alone, OR left, with still some pain but manageable and will heal in time, alone, and focusing on the winding road ahead with my head held high.

At this moment I'm more tempted to turn left. Sure the road is bumpy and potholes all over the place but at the end of it, I'm sure there's a beautiful view waiting for me. I'm optimistic. Well, spending hours looking at the waves and sitting under the tree with breeze and saltwater on my face is quite inspirational. It's relaxing and put things into more uncomplicated perspectives.

The answer is in my face all along. I was just too afraid to acknowledge it. I was too afraid to look at my face in the mirror. Afraid to see what's inside. But today, I looked at myself straight in the eyes and see sadness so deep that it snapped me. I can't go on like this. If I take the right turn, the eyes will still be the same and down the road they will lost all sparks altogether. I asked myself do I want to let my kids see those eyes everyday?

I asked myself lots of questions and I pray to God for answers. I'm being given 2 plots for the ending of this chapter of my life. It's up to me now how to end the story.

It's tough, I'm not pretending that it won't. No matter which way I turn, the road is going to be a hell of a ride. It's a choice between 2 bad choices. I wish I don't have to make these choices in the first place. My storyline was perfect, but only fairytales have the perfect ending. Not life. It sucks, but someone has to do it.

I just hope, no matter which way I choose to go, my kids will understand and forgive me. The perfect world as they know it is about to come to an end. I hate to see them become the victims of the situation. They shouldn't pay for the sins of their parents. But life must go on. Whatever doesn't break you will make you stronger. At least, that's what I hope for.

Anyway, I'm peaceful with my decision. I'll take it day by day. Someday I will heal. And so will my kids.

"Come Back To Me"

You say you gotta go and find yourself 
You say that you're becoming someone else 
Don't recognize the face in the mirror 
Looking back at you 

You say you're leavin 
As you look away 
I know theres really nothin left to say 
Just know i'm here 
Whenever you need me 
I'll wait for you 

So i'll let you go 
I'll set you free 
And when you see what you need to see 
When you find you come back to me 

Take your time i wont go anywhere 
Picture you with the wind in your hair 
I'll keep your things right where you left them 
I'll be here for you 

Oh and i'll let you go 
I'll set you free 
And when you see what you need to see 
When you find you come back to me 

And i hope you find everything that you need 
I'll be right here waiting to see 
You find you come back to me 

I can't get close if your not there 
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear 
I can't fix you i can't save you 
Its something you have to do 

So i'll let you go 
I'll set you free 
And when you see what you need to see 
When you find you come back to me 
Come back to me 
So i'll let you go 
I'll set you free 
And when you see what you need to see 
When you find you come back to me 

And i hope you find everything that you need 
I'll be right here waiting to see 
You find you come back to me 

When you find you come back to me 

My alltime fave... never thought it came true

"Look Away"

When you called me up this morning,
Told me 'bout the new love you found,
I'm said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess I won't be coming 'round.
I guess it's over, baby;
It's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
It'll never be the way it used to be.
So if it's gotta be this way,
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

[Chorus:]
But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
We were better off as friends,
That's how it had to be,
Yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
But sometimes I just pretend;
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
That I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
Yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

[Chorus 2x]

When you called me up this morning,
Told me 'bout the new love you found.
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."

BIATCH VS THE GOOD WIFE

Hmm.. saw a picture today. Provocative in a sense to test my patience. Sorry, you bitch, it won't work...!! I have the upper hand. 16 years of head start at life. And 15 years of knowing this someone you're trying to break me from. Grow up you little numbskull. Go find someone your own age to play with.

Don't start a war if you don't have a battle plan. Don't start a game without a gameplan. Don't play mind tricks with a mastermind. Don't start a war with me. You'll lose. Hell, you are losing that's why you resort to this dirty tricks. Face the fact you dimwit. HE'S MINE. And forever will be unless God Almighty says otherwise.

I'm exhausted. Yes. But not too exhausted to fight. U push me once I'll return 4 times. Are you ready to face the music? I have more tricks up my sleeves than u'll ever have.

Don't ever bullshit a bullshitter. Don't lie a liar. Don't cheat a cheater. It may seems that you're winning this war, but truthfully, you're losing. BIG TIME. So might as well u just pack up and git, you urchin.

Lose now, win later is better than win now, lose later. Try google it if you're too stupid to understand.

Whatever. Don't ever try to con a conman.

Songs and Life

Have u ever have a song that describe how u feel at that very moment? I have 2 right now. Both same meaning. And I know someone have a song or maybe 2 or 3 to describe exactly how he felt. But this one song really stood out coz I've been listening to it out of his mouth like forever and tell the truth, I can't stand to hear it anymore.


I've been listening this song over and over and everywhere that it really got on my nerves so tonight i search for the lyrics.


Damn! It should have been a warning sign but as usual, dumb as I am, didn't notice.


The song was a cry for help, so to speak. He's been trying to tell me. Now I really hate this song. Why u might ask. It's a great song produced and created by great people and delivered with such force and convincingly that I cried listening to it. And I'm not the want feeling that way. 


No. I don't hate the song. I just hate what it represents. The betrayal. The hurt. The unfairness of it all.


Arghhh!! Whatever. I'll wait. But patience has an expiry date darling. I can wait, but not forever. Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Maybe not. It's all up to him as the ball is on his side of court. Just don't take too long pls. I've suffered long enough.

The Ugly Truth

Last night I found the brutal truth. I thought my heart can't break anymore than it has already broken, well, obviously there are still some small pieces that can be shattered.

I never asked much in this life as ever since I was small I already told myself not to hope too much and I wouldn't be disappointed. Then I met this wonderful guy who brought me so much hope that I thought it's ok to hope after all. For years I live in that hope he brought and delivered, accepted me as who I was when I met him. With him, I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can totally be myself with him, share my dreams, hope. For a while, I was blessed with that total awesomeness of being loved and accepted as I yearned all my adult life.

But today, he gave me the biggest present of all : the ugly truth. Ho boy, that sucks, and really hurt. I can handle the truth, or so I thought. It was like a big slap to my face and I'd rather have the actual slapping than those words.

I am not without faults, hey, I'm the first person to admit that to myself. But so does everyone. I tried to correct some if not all the mistakes I'd done and to change to be a better person for him. Now I found out it's been unworthy of being acknowledged at all. Years of shared moments : lost. Years of hopes and dreams : lost. The fate of my future : uncertain. All those promises : forgotten.

I will fight to the end, I don't want, won't, can't give up this battle so easily. Not after spending almost half my life having it and to be taken away just like that.

But remember this my love. You are my one and only love. It has been only you from the start. The one person that has taken my heart fully so it's natural that only you can break it like now.

I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. So lost and alone. I don't if I'm strong enough. I am so, so tired. But if say I lost this battle, at least I know I'd tried, I'd fought.

I love you, my darling, my baby, with all my heart and soul. I am hurt, shattered, broken but I believe with all my heart that it can be fixed. You, baby love, can fix it and make it right. I just hope you have it in your heart, even teeny little spark in your heart, to fix this with me.

I love you, I need you. We love you and need you, baby. Please come back to us.

"Please Don't Leave Me"

Da da da I could cut you into piecesda
da da da da

Da da da da da,

I don't know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you out of here?
Or said something insulting?

Da da da da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is, broken.

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this,
I've never been this nasty,
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest,
But baby I don't mean it,
I mean it, I promise

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
(Don't leave me)
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without,
You're my perfect little punching bag,
And I need you,
I'm sorry.

Da da da da
da da da da

Da da da da da

Please, please don't leave me
Baby, please don't leave me (no, don't leave me)
Please don't leave me
(I always say) I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me, (Yeah)
Please don't leave me
(I) I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this,
(Please, Please) Please don't leave me,
Baby, please, please don't leave me.

Nothing Much... just stuff i've been listening to...

"I Don't Believe You"

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus:]
No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?

[Chorus]

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus]

I don't believe you

THE BETRAYAL

Today is the day when I found out that all the things I believe, are all lies. The worst part is, I have nobody to turn to.

The person whom I thought to be my best friend, my soulmate, has put a dagger so deep through my heart that I can hardly breathe. 

When the person you trusted the most, the person you gave up everything for betrays you like this, what's the point? All those hardship, all those laughter and tears... means nothing. 

All this while all I see is rainbow after the storm, but who knows there's a tornado waiting in the corner. I can't say for sure but I don't think the rainbow I'm hoping for will appear anytime soon. Once the trust is lost, it changes the game. It changes everything I ever believe and hope.

I never ask for much in this life... only honesty to the vows made. Hard as it was and is, I held my end of it but obviously it's not enough if the other party thinks of it as a joke.

I always have high hope and opinion and trust that I don't need to worry about having this tornado in my life, well, God has other plans for me. I still have my heart shattered.

Just last week I got back the feeling I almost forgot. The feel of hope, excitement and love. Tonight, they've been stamped over by the very feet that I gave up everything for.

This past week, I lost a hell of a lot. Now I am truly alone, apart from the offsprings that doesn't understand this heartache that I'm feeling. I pray to God that I am strong enough to face this test alone and protect the only ones left who truly loves me. 

I feel nothing now. Just emptiness and hollow. Tears don't bring me comfort, sleep has eluded me... well, I guess I just have to face the fact that I am truly alone now............

Just.... DON"T...

Been trying to write something inspirational and after few attempts and fail miserably, this is what remained undeleted.

Some people recently ticked me off. Saying things as if they're the angels for taking an "interest" in the elderlies. If you want to visit and care for your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa... go ahead... just... DON'T post shoutouts like your cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters are an ungrateful lot. If they want to go, they will... or if you really want to do something about it, say it nicely and you don't make a fool of yourself. Buat benda tu biarlah ikhlas, korang dah jalankan tanggungjawap, kudos to you guys but just... DON'T condemn other people... it's annoying...

I don't really feel attacked at all coz to me, I don't take the posts to heart... it's childish in a way to try and get attention that way... I have my family to focus on, I'm not bothered what you guys think of me. If you think that I'm ungrateful, arrogant or whatever, please yourself... I don't care. If I want to go, I will...and someday I know I will but you won't see me posting about it for the world to know...

Ahh whatever la... you go ahead with your life and do whatever it is that makes you happy... your life, my life, 2 different things... korang tak mengadap apa yg aku hadap and vice versa... just stop being irritating is what I'm asking...

Sally - out - for now

Life As It Is

Read a very interesting note on facebook by a relative of mine. In it she wrote about how she wishes she has times for herself to do things she wants to do. Weekends are spent between families - her own, husbands and just the two of them. I really can relate to that and to her what I can say is : wait till you have kids.


I've been married for over 11 years now, with a son and daughter and my time is fully occupied and spent each waking hours fulfilling their needs. From the moment I wake up till bedtime, I have to : drive them to school, classes, cook their meals, laundry, homework and when I feel like it, clean the house. On top of that, I help my husband with the paperworks of our company from the simple cut and paste quotation/invoice to proposals and calling the bank. The only time I feel any peace is during that few minutes before I fell asleep. Heck, I don't even have a peaceful time in the shower. Someone will now and then knock on the door asking for something.


People keep saying that I have so much free time because they see me playing all these games on facebook. Truthfully, that is considered to be my luxury, where I can stop thinking for awhile. Some people go for pampering like to the salon to get their hair and nails done, massages and facials at the spa... well I don't have that kind of luxury, not that I can't afford it in monetary terms, but I can't afford it in the manner of time. If I go to pamper myself, who will take care of my kids? I'm not like some people who can just dump their kids to other people to look after while they go and have their own time. There's no point for me to do that for I can't truly relax that way knowing that I'm burdening someone else with my responsibility.


I am lucky in a sense that my husband understands me needing the time off sometimes and I can go out with my girlfriends once in a while, or go back to my hometown without him to spend times with my family. And let me play games whenever I have the time. And I do go out with my kids and have our own fun. 


Well, to some people my life sounds boring as hell but to me, tiring and boring as it sounds, it's what I choose to do with my life. And I'm not going to trade it for anything. My husband and kids ARE my life.